


and the weight of world’s getting harder to hold up

by caelzorah, dubcliq



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 09:32:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7217038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caelzorah/pseuds/caelzorah, https://archiveofourown.org/users/dubcliq/pseuds/dubcliq
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>‘Haven't you heard, Lex? We’re all going to die anyway. So where would you rather be when it happens? Next to some piece of shit metal and blocks of cement? Or in a Jaeger?’</i>
</p><p>Or: Snapshots from the Pacific Rim universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and the weight of world’s getting harder to hold up

**Author's Note:**

> title from bring me the horizon's "drown"
> 
> side pairing most likely octaven

It’s cold.

No, scratch that. It’s freezing.

Off the coast of Sitka, Alaska, there’s a whirlwind of activity, hundreds of construction workers soldering metal and tightening bolts. At the edge of the work site stands a big metal sign, its words printed in big, bold letters:

 

 _WORK FOR RATION SITE_  
_ANTI-KAIJU WALL_  
_Danger Compensation_  
_Top of Wall 300_  
_Middle of Wall 150  
Bottom of Wall 75_

 

Hundreds of feet above the ground over at Section 2, Lexa barely notices the light dusting of snow on her shoulders of her coat or the chill of the biting wind. There’s a light sheen of sweat on her forehead from the heat of the blowtorch, and she hastily wipes it off before resuming her work. She keeps her head down, focused on the task in front of her. Tries not to think about the stability of the metal beam she’s sitting on or the other beams and rods that she would hit on her way down if she fell. Or the three men that fell to their deaths the previous day being the reason she managed to snag this assignment.

 _It’s nothing personal_ , she tells herself. _We do what we can to survive._

Lexa is tired and sore and hungry by the time she finishes, but the ration card tucked snugly in her back pocket will hopefully rectify at least two of those problems. With three hundred credits, she can afford a decent meal with some left over for a place to sleep that won’t have any bed bugs or mold. Hopefully.

She turns in her tools at the warehouse, nodding at a couple of construction workers who wave at her as she walks by. She’s shared a few shifts with them back at Sheldon Point, and they seemed nice enough, but she’s still relieved when they got the hint and stopped asking her out to drinks after their shifts. She’s just about to exit the warehouse when a black, heavy-lift transport helicopter descends outside, the letters PPDC stamped on its side. She falters in her step, eyeing the door warily, torn between her curiosity and her desire to flee before it slides open. Her eyes flit around, surveying the place for possible alternative exits she may have missed. She finds none, as expected.

 _This entire place is a fire hazard_ , she’d thought to herself on her first day here.  _Well, time to face the fire._

Her hand slips into her pocket, fingering the ration card wistfully as her stomach grumbles. She tilts her head until she hears a satisfying crack, and with a deep breath, she tugs on her red scarf, making sure it’s secure around her neck before venturing outside.

_On second thought, a drink sounds like a good idea._

 

//

 

Anya hasn’t aged a bit.

A surprising feat considering how quickly most of the officers at the PPDC had aged over the years. But Anya looks exactly the same with her neatly pressed suit and light hair that reaches past her shoulders and the ever-present scowl she wears when she’s on duty. For a split second Lexa thinks she’s dreaming.

It’s only when Anya nears that Lexa notices the bags under her mentor’s eyes, and she wonders if there’s anyone that’s had a good night’s sleep since the Kaiju attacks began.

Lexa doesn't even realize she's straightened her posture and clasped her hands behind her back until she spots the eyebrow raise and what looks to be the beginnings of a smirk. She steels her jaw and swallows the _shut up_ that threatens to spill out, because even if it's easy — almost too easy — to fall into old habits, no amount of muscle memory can bridge the years she's been away.

‘You know, when I told you to take some time off, I didn't mean disappear for five years and end up in this shithole.’

 _Five years and four months_ , Lexa thinks. _But who’s counting?_

‘What are you doing here, Anya?’

‘Oh, you know,’ Anya replies with a casual shrug, ‘just wanted to catch up with an old friend. You certainly didn’t make it easy. Anchorage, Sheldon Point, Nome...’

Lexa diverts her gaze, eyes casually sweeping over the heavily armed uniforms standing in attention around them — as if she hadn’t already counted four guards, four assault rifles, and four glocks the moment they filed out of the helicopter — before settling back on Anya.

‘I travel with the Wall,’ Lexa explains, gesturing towards the towering structure behind her. She knows this visit is anything but social, but she keeps her tone light — ‘I have to chase shifts to make a living these days. _Disgraced former Ranger_ doesn’t exactly make for an extensive resume. Luckily they need all the hands they can get for the job.’

— well, tries to, anyway.

Of course, Anya notices.

‘What happened in Anchorage was ruled a technical casualty —’

‘Don’t talk to me about Anchorage,’ Lexa hisses, and just like that, any pretense is dropped.

 _It was good while it lasted,_  Lexa supposes. _The whole minute-and-a-half of it._

And it comes back — the sharp burst of anger, piercing through her chest, wrapping itself around her heart, squeezing; the guilt, settling in her gut, rooting itself inside her. Weighing her down. She’s back in the water again, dragging Atlas back to shore, but every step feels heavier than the last, and she’s not sure if she can make it this time, and —

‘Lexa.’

Lexa blinks, and Anya’s face slowly comes back into focus. She dips her head, taking a moment to collect herself. Scuffs her boot against the ground, watching the ice mingle with the dirt, creating a dull brown slush.

Dirt. Ice. Solid ground.

When she exhales, the breath that comes out is shaky, and she takes another one. And another. _Okay._

She almost looks away again when her eyes find Anya’s. They’re softer, tinged with a concern that Anya is too proud to vocalize, and Lexa, too stubborn to acknowledge. Lexa has seen that look exactly once before.

She can’t stand it.

She wants to say something snarky, anything that will stop her from feeling nineteen again, waking up screaming at the Medical Bay in Anchorage. But her body aches in places she didn’t even know could ache, and she just wants this conversation to happen so it can be over already.

‘I read the report,’ she finally says.

Read it, reread it ten more times. Memorized it, even.

‘Then you should know that it didn’t leave a mark on your record,’ Anya replies, and Lexa does know. They both know it doesn't make what happened any easier to bear. Still, Anya plows on. ‘I gave you orders to take some time off and report back to duty. You were never officially deactivated. So disgraced and former are both technically untrue.’

‘What’s your point?’

‘My point is — what are you doing _here_ , kid?’

Lexa bristles — at the tone, at the question, and tilts her chin up, defiant.

‘The Wall of Life Program was established in —’

‘Yeah, yeah, save me the spiel. I was there when we watched the broadcast together. You called Jaha a piece of —’

‘I remember.’

‘Good. So again, what are _you_ doing here?’

Lexa shrugs.

‘It’s better than not doing anything,’ she says, but as she hears her own words her mind flashes back to the news she heard over the radio during one of her breaks yesterday.

‘You know the wall isn’t going to hold.’

She does know. She thinks about Sydney and the coastal wall that barely lasted an hour against the category 4 Kaiju. She thinks about the construction worker with the radio — his disbelief, and _Why the hell are we even building this thing? That thing went through the wall like it was nothing!_

But their allotted break ended soon after, and he went back to work. And so did she.

‘We’re all going to die anyway.’

‘Gus wouldn't have wanted you to stop fighting.’

And there it is again. It’s a cheap shot, bringing up Anchorage — bringing up Gustus — but Anya’s never been one to pull any punches.

Lexa feels the sting all the same, but she’s prepared for it this time. She clenches her jaw again, willing the hurt to pass before speaking.

‘He also promised we’d fight together —’

‘And you did.’

‘— and how would you know what he would have wanted? You weren’t the one in his head during all those missions.’

_You weren’t the one in his head when he died._

‘I don’t need to have been in his head to know him. Gus was a friend to many of us.’

Was a friend to many. Was a brother, an uncle. _Was._

Lexa is exhausted. She’s tired — been tired — of this conversation, and there’s no point in dancing around the real question anymore. But as she searches Anya’s face, she finds that she already has her answer. She asks anyway.

‘Why are you really here, Anya?’

‘I want you to come back with me.’

‘No.’

‘If you want to do something, do something that will make a difference.’

‘Fighting in a Jaeger doesn’t make any more of a difference. There’s always going to be another Kaiju.’

‘Look,’ Anya says, frustration seeping into her voice, ‘they cut off the funding for the PPDC. The Jaeger Program is on its last legs, and Kane is planning a final assault on the Breach.’

‘I don’t see what that has to do with me.’

‘Kane chose Atlas to be a part of the Mark 3 Restoration Project two years ago. I guess I wasn’t the only one who thought you’d eventually come back.’

‘And if I don't?’

‘Then I’ll ask Kane to start compiling a candidate list for me.’

Another cheap shot. It’s so casual, the way Anya suggests it. Lexa hears the challenge in her words all the same.

And it’s unfair that it sounds like a viable option to the uniforms who may be listening in on their conversation. Like she’s presenting Lexa with a way out. Like the handkerchief tucked into Anya’s breast pocket isn’t blotted with traces of blood. Like she doesn’t have a pill box in another pocket. It’s a threat, but Lexa knows Anya well enough to know it’s not a hollow one.

‘That’s suicide,’ she grits out, keeping her voice low. ‘The doctors said your body won’t be able to handle the stress of another Drift.’

It’s irritating how Anya always knows what buttons to push.

‘Haven't you heard, Lex?’ Anya fires back, chuckling dryly. ‘ _We’re all going to die anyway._ So where would you rather be when it happens? Next to some piece of shit metal and blocks of cement? Or in a Jaeger?’

And Lexa is tempted, so tempted. But she thinks about Gustus again, about everyone she’s lost, and wonders if she’s the one who can’t handle entering the Drift again.

Anya seems to sense this. There’s a subtle drop to her shoulders, a resigned nod.

‘Take care of yourself, kid. Do me a favor and try to stay away from the Wall when the next Kaiju hits.’

Lexa is unprepared for how much it stings to watch the last person who ever cared about her walk away. She watches as the uniforms line up single file —

_Gus wouldn’t have wanted you to stop fighting._

— disappearing into the helicopter one by one.

_If you want to do something, do something that will make a difference._

It suddenly strikes her odd, the way Anya hangs back, letting her security detail embark first.

_I want you to come back with me._

It’s another calculated move, but as much as it exasperates Lexa to realize this, there’s a sense of relief that comes with it. Maybe she can’t handle another Drift. Maybe it’ll be too painful to relive her memories. But she hasn’t stopped seeing them in her sleep. Hasn’t stop feeling them when she’s awake.

It hurts anyway.

Anya is the only one left who has to board. Lexa tries not to roll her eyes at the deliberately slow march up the helicopter ramp. She sighs.

‘Wait.’

Anya stops. Turns to look at her — eyebrow raised, corner of her lip curled up into a barely suppressed smirk.

‘Come on, Ranger. We’ve got lots to do.’

Lexa lets out a huff. She follows Anya into the helicopter anyway.

 

//

 

 

>  
> 
> _Report on Natrona Incident  
>  _ _February 28, 2020_
> 
>  
> 
> Submitted to:  
>  Marcus Kane  
>  _Pan Pacific Defense Corps.  
>  _ Shatterdome Marshal
> 
> _Submitted by:  
>  _ _Maya Vie  
>  _ _Technical Writer_
> 
>  
> 
> _On February 20, 2020 at approximately 20:13, a category 3 Kaiju (codename: Natrona) emerged from the Breach and began to make its way towards the city of Anchorage, Alaska (population 300,950)._
> 
> _Under the direction of Pan Pacific Defense Corps. (“PPDC”) Shatterdome Marshal Marcus Kane and Local Command Center (“LOCCENT”) Mission Controller Jacapo Sinclair, Mark-2 Jaeger Trojan Point (“Trojan”), piloted by Rangers Bellamy Blake and Raven Reyes, was deployed to scene at 20:30 to defend the ten mile mark. Jumphawk pilots Finn Collins and Gina Martin were on scene to execute deployment._
> 
> _Upon Natrona’s evasion of Trojan, Mark-3 Jaeger Atlas Victor (“Atlas”), piloted by Rangers Gustus Woods and Alexandria Woods, was deployed to the scene at 21:04 to defend the Miracle Mile and neutralize the threat. Jumphawk pilots Nathan Miller and Zoe Monroe were on scene to execute deployment._
> 
> _A minor incident occurred at 21:16 wherein Atlas disregarded a directive from LOCCENT in order to rescue fishing boat Floudon and its crew of 10. At 21:23 Natrona fell after it was shot in the abdomen 3 times with Atlas’s plasmacaster._
> 
> _LOCCENT received verbal report of the completion of the mission at 21:28. However, complications arose at 21:39 at the re-emergence of Natrona, previously presumed dead. Atlas was compromised, and Ranger G. Woods was killed in combat. Upon his death, Ranger A. Woods completed the mission and piloted Atlas to safety. Jumphawk pilots Miller and Monroe returned to scene at 21:57 for extraction._
> 
> _After a complete diagnostics from the Jaeger-Tech team, Atlas has been ruled inoperative with no immediate plans for repair. Atlas was relocated to Oblivion Bay on February 22, 2020. (See attached report submitted by Jaeger Engineer Kyle Wick.)_
> 
> _As of February 28, 2020, Ranger G. Woods was the only reported casualty, bringing the official count to 1._
> 
> _Ranger A. Woods was in stable condition upon arrival at PPDC Medical Bay. Chief Medical Officer Dr. Abigail Griffin authorized her discharge on February 25, 2020. As of February 28, 2020, Ranger A. Woods has not been cleared for combat. Her pending Ranger status will be determined by the results of further psychological evaluations conducted by Dr. Lorelei Tsing._
> 
> _After a series of simulations from Jaeger-Tech, the incident has been ruled a technical casualty. Atlas’s initial disregard of the prime mission objective would not have altered the outcome. The assumption that the target had been neutralized was a miscalculation from both LOCCENT and Jaeger._
> 
> _Despite complications, the Natrona Incident has been ruled a success._

**Author's Note:**

> come yell headcanons with us on tumblr!


End file.
